5 Secrets to Creating a Happy and Healthy Marriage
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Marriage is hard. If we don’t all know this by now, you have at least heard this warning too many times. Sometimes it’s that first year you have to get through, but no marriage is the same. Maybe for you it was more than that or just maybe you haven’t reached a rough patch. Regardless of what bucket you might fall into, it’s a subject that’s too important to ignore.
First year rough patch? I’ve had it. Trouble in paradise coming out of nowhere? I had a first class seat. Until I researched, took the time to really look inside myself and my marriage, and learned everything I could about not only the health of my marriage but my mental health too, and that’s exactly what I want to share with you!
In this blog post, I’m sharing the 5 things I learned that allowed me and my husband to develop a real partnership that turned into a healthy place for our marriage. I’ll be covering:
• How I saved my marriage before it even began
• How you can make that much needed time for each other
• Taking a close look at who surrounds you and your relationship
• Your mental health and how it could have a direct affect on your marriage
• Communication tips to help you and your partner easily build a strong foundation
So if you’re tired of struggling in your marriage, feeling alone in your relationship, or maybe just fearing these things in the future, then you’re in the right place! All of that is about to change for good!
How I saved my marriage before it even began
I met my husband 11 years ago. Before that, I was a single mom of 2 little boys trying to build my life after a very toxic relationship. I had intimacy issues, fear of commitment and huge trust issues.
After dating my now husband for about a year, I was determined to no longer get in my own way. I was frustrated with myself and it was impossible not to see that the person next to me was a true partner in my life and deserved to be treated that way.
I started with communication. Full disclosure, this is still an area that I have to work on every day and some days are harder than others. That’s ok as long as you remember your ‘why’. The more you communicate, the more you will be understood, even on your bad days. That communication continued to develop and led to so many resolutions that made us grow stronger as a couple.
From there, we decided to start creating more time for us as a couple. Remember that I had 2 children coming into this, so that was a challenge and not one that most people my age were dealing with in the dating world. We were fortunate enough to have people that supported our relationship and rooted us on in the form of helping out with the kiddos. As the kids got a bit older we started incorporating 1 night trips close to home and sometimes expanding those to short vacations to explore a new area with my best friend.
I feel amazing. I have a life that I never could have imagined. Every day is not paradise with no issues because that’s not how life works. But I have a partner; a true partner in life. Someone that celebrates me and listens when I need it, as I do in return. It takes work, but it’s your life and you deserve happiness.
So here’s exactly what I learned, and how to implement it for yourself. This is exactly how to create the relationship you want and deserve, and keep it developing for years to come.
Secret #1: Make time for each other
I know what you’re thinking…obviously right? Unfortunately, it might be obvious but it’s just one of those things that we don’t always prioritize.
Some easy examples to fit into your week:
Cook together - Once a week make time to cook together. This could also be a great way to give the person that is always cooking dinner a nice break. Try something new, not a fast meal. Break out the cook book and have some fun with it. A tip for parents: wait for your kids to eat dinner and maybe even go to bed before your dinner date with your spouse. This helps you get that uninterrupted time with your person.
Sex - Make it your goal to fit sex in once a week at least. Not everyone has the same libido and by the end of the day, this one might seem a lot harder than it is. For me, reading a steamy romance book is foolproof. I’m not a reader, but when I found the type of books that worked for me in this area, it changed my marriage. Highly recommend starting out with some shorter stories so that you can quickly find what works best for you.
Find any opportunity to sneak in some time. I have found that just riding along on a quick errand, just the 2 of us, can be so much fun. We talk about everything without even trying and find ourselves sharing things that at home we just don’t make the time to talk about.
Secret #2: Be careful who your friends are
I can’t emphasize this one enough and it took me way too long to figure this out. This doesn’t mean your friends are bad people but it’s important to be aware of how your other relationships are impacting your marriage.
I have had friends that had me working harder on their friendship than I did on my marriage and it’s when I knew I had to choose. It wasn’t them and it wasn’t me, it was just that the friendship put me in a place where my husband wasn’t my priority. Once I came to the conclusion and had to make some tough adult decisions, there was an immediate change in our marriage and my mindset and this actually helped my friendship with my husband too!
In my experience, there are 2 kinds of friends that are great for your relationship.
The friend that might be single or dating but regardless of their status, they support your marriage. Sounds easy but if you look closely at the people that surround you, how many people would support your marriage if it was struggling? How many friends really see your spouse as your #1 and want it that way? These are questions you should be asking yourself.
Your married/in a relationship friends that are GOALS. These are your couples that have a healthy and happy relationship and work hard for it. They are the people that prioritize each other and treat each other like partners and friends. Trust me when I say this rubs off on you! After a night out with these friends, there is a noticeable difference in our relationship. It’s so encouraging and builds us up a little bit each time.
Secret #3: Your mental health - How is it affecting my marriage?
This is a question only you can truly answer but it’s too big not to talk about. Mental health can affect just about every aspect of your relationship. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed or over stimulated can directly impact your intimacy and communication. Perhaps it’s self-esteem making it difficult to create the sex life you want with your partner. Maybe you feel that you just don’t have the energy to make time for your partner. Everyone’s mental health is different but everyone’s mental health is important.
Start by involving your partner in this. Even if that sounds scary or any other feeling preventing you from bringing the subject up, let them in. Give yourself some time to figure out what exactly you are struggling with and what areas of your relationship it’s affecting. By having this conversation with your spouse, not only could talking about this to someone help, but it opens the door for the person that cares the most about you to help you find solutions while simultaneously building an even stronger marriage.
*Please seek help for mental health issues from a professional. You are so important and so valued.
Secret #4: Communicate
The word communication is so much easier said than done. It’s easy to communicate the good things most of the time but what about those tiny things that go unsaid?
Easy ways to incorporate a little extra communication in your day:
Have coffee together (or tea, or water. The beverage isn’t really the focus here). This may mean going back to step one in making time for each other. Maybe you have to get up an hour early to make this happen. If you can swing it, starting your day out with just the 2 of you can really kick your day off right.
Take some time at night for the 2 of you outside of your bedroom. My husband and I sit outside every night after the kids go to bed. Most of the time, this only lasts for about 20 minutes but I look forward to those 20 minutes all day long. We talk and it’s easy. This are not intimate conversions, it’s just best friends doing what they do best. In a setting outside of your bedroom, there’s no TV, no bed to fall asleep on, and no one to distract you from your pearson.
Every night before you go to sleep, each of you share your day. This doesn’t have to be long or dramatic. Nothing big has to happen in your day to share it. But if you can fit in a few minutes before bed to share with your partner every night and vice versa, you are creating a very strong communication pathway and an even stronger bond.
Secret #5: Travel
I know, I know. This one may not be easy for everyone…or for anyone really. For parents with young ones, this may be even more difficult but try to keep an open mind.
I came into my marriage with 2 little boys from a previous relationship, so I get it, but my husband and I decided from day 1 that every year (usually on or around our anniversary) we would take a trip, just the 2 of us. We don’t take extravagant trips. Most of the time, it’s between 2-4 days and can range from a quaint area that’s a 2 hour drive to a trip to Vegas, mostly depending on finances at the time. It was hard at first, leaving the kids. The guilt of leaving my babies to have fun on a vacation got to me sometimes, but those same babies deserve to grow up in a house full of love. We should be creating the marriage that we want to see our children have. We are setting the example. So to take a little extra time for ourselves, well there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It has limitless value.
Marriage is serious. It’s not just a job or an event, this is your life. It’s going to take time and it deserves the time it needs. Be patient and work for it. Fight for it. You’ll never regret putting time and effort into the ones you love.